I haven't written in awhile. I haven't traveled in awhile. I know that we are all struggling right now so I decided to write a post. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around what is going on with the social distancing and stay at home orders. I felt like I couldn't feel bad because I am so blessed in my life and so many others have a worse situation. But in the past few days I have heard from more than one source that I have every right to be sad, to grieve the experiences I am not having, to feel stress and to struggle even though my situation may not be as bad. Hearing that was quite a load off my shoulders. I tried so hard to pretend this was okay for my kids.
One thing the past five or so years has taught me is to stop to really look around, be humbled by the little things, take a snapshot in your mind for a second...or five more minutes that will be precious to you in one hour, in ten hours, in one year, in five years, in ten years, to capture those moments you thought would never be important, the ones that you used to take for granted. I knew that stuff could shift in such a way as to alter your soul, learning your daughters both had a rare genetic disorder that you could not protect them from, or something else earth shattering...and as I have said to some in the past three weeks while that has often brought me to my knees in a very private way, nothing has brought me to my knees quite the way the past few weeks has.
March 2020 has stopped me dead in my tracks. It brought me to my knees and I wasn't sure I could get up. I really struggled. I relied on my travels. I relied on my music, my friends, my SOCIAL NOT DISTANCING. I spent the past 12 years teaching myself to not distance. I cherished every moment I wasn't distancing. Now I was expected to distance??? To not go to concerts, to not travel, to not spend time with my friends, to not take down the walls and date??? So now what do I do????
I love photography and while I finally just picked the camera back up I always had the camera in my mind. I over think everything. I dig everyone in my life more than they know!!! I stop and just watch. I appreciate the moments I was given with the people I loved, the vacations, the hugs, the kisses, the time spent on an airplane, in the past 19 years I have literally tried to stop and pretend I had a camera in my brain and take snapshots of the moments I cherish so I could remember, so I could burn them into my soul, because the time spent with people I love is time I will never replace, the time spent making memories..I wasted so much time before I vowed never to waste another minute, to show my girls strength, will power, weebles wobble but they NEVER FALL DOWN mentality no matter what the world throws at them mentality, to show my girls that I am a badass no matter what despite their genetic disorder, no matter what...and sometimes it hasn't always worked because they think nothing phases me. So the past few weeks have been challenging trying to balance my unease with their stress. I am always in control of my stress. You heard it here. I have CONTROL of my stress. I have no control of this stress.
While we have all had struggles in our lives this is different. Normally someone else has gone through something similar or we have a support network or outlet to help get us through those bad times. I don't know about you but I am really struggling with the loss of control I feel right now. No one can tell me when this is going to be over, no one has an answer except social distance and I cannot go seek advice from someone who has been through this before. I cannot search the internet and find the answers I need. I cannot call my closest friends and host a get together to lift my spirts. I cannot go to a concert to let the music take me away. I cannot book some trip to Vegas or Seattle to escape what is happening in my life. It is happening everywhere. I cannot work 80 hours a week and come home late at night too exhausted to face what is troubling me. I get to sit at home and actively dodge the news while I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For someone who likes to be in control....well that is not a good feeling. But I have to believe there is an end. I have to believe we will get through this. I have to believe that I will be able to hug the people I love, that I will be able to go to Red Rocks and close my eyes listening to my favorite band as I am humbled by my surroundings. I have to believe that I will be able to go see the people I have met on my journeys to Africa, to Las Vegas, Ireland, Italy, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, to Seattle....and I will continue to have journeys to meet more people. I have to believe that I will continue to show the world to my girls and to show them that I am a badass and that their disability does not define them that they can be a badass too because of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I know that our world has seen horrific things in the past and that is what keeps me moving forward....in Rwanda they got through the genocide and they love more than any country I have met "WE are not Hutu or Tutsi we are Rwandan" even after the world turned their back on them and neighbors and family members participated in the genocide they forgave. We have lived through other diseases, other scary times. The courage and strength that I see today gives me hope because people are staying home to make sure we will all be okay. People who have lost their jobs are staying home. So I started this morning thinking I would just get 1 or 2 photos from each of my travels to post and apparently I travel a lot. Let's see if they will fit. But I look forward to the day that I can plan your trips...it will happen. We do need to travel again. Countries need us to go visit. They need our tourism dollars again. Travel agents were invaluable when this crisis hit. Rebooking, rescheduling, helping get those who were stranded home. I hope for those of you who asked "Do travel agents even exist?" you know now. People who used bookit got nowhere, people who used Expedia were on hold for hours and hours and hours and rarely got help. Travel agents worked non stop getting their clients home from other countries, making sure their clients were taken care of. Stay safe. Have hope. And enjoy some of my pictures from my travels over the years....with people I love...to see people I love...to see places I love. Think about where you will travel to, who you will hug, what you will look forward to, how you will appreciate those you love. So hug those that you can right now.
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